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How (and when) to Break Up with Someone

How To Break Up with Someone

Or perhaps a more appropriate question is How Do You Know WHEN to Break Up with Someone?

It is firstly important to identify whether you feel it is a healthy or unhealthy relationship for you at thins point in your life. I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, but it is up to us to identify whether and when it is time to distance ourselves so we can continue to grow. When we hold onto an unhealthy relationship we risk being held back in our dreams and desires to evolve and also risk creating that environment for them.

It's also important to note that no relationship/friendship or otherwise is perfectly happy and smooth the entire time. There are always challenges and tribulations. This is how we grow, either individually or together. What is important to note is whether you feel it is a relationship you want to fight for, whether the other person feels the same and has the same desires to get through times of difficulty and whether you feel working on the relationship will improve the union, or simply bandaid the problem for a period of time.

This is a topic I have unknowingly been working on for most of my life.
We all feel attracted to a certain types of people throughout our lives, and this can change as our awareness of ourselves change. I have had to break up emotionally with mamy people over the years because I was lacking something in my life and looking towards them to fill the void. This is a very common theme for some people and results in relationships that can feel uneven, resentful and ultimately disappointing.

There are a few things that truly need to be identified before knowing whether someone is not the right fit for your life at this time, or whether you are not feeding your relationships in the way needed to give you (and them) a supportive environment to fuel mutual trust and love.

1. Identify with yourself what you NEED

The most important thing in any relationship is to be clear on who you are and how you feel about a relationship. What are your expectations? Both from you and from the other person. What vibe or energy do you wish to create with the other person? Are you looking for someone to save you from having to face certain issues?
These questions don't need to formulate a strict checklist, as no one will ever achieve absolutely everything, however I firmly believe that some things shouldn't be compromised and these I classify as your "relationship values".
Like anything in life, you want to feel confidant in what you desire when emotionally, mentally and physically investing yourself.
If you struggle with identifying your needs it can be a good idea to write it down and let it flow from there. It may start small and grow into bigger and more pressing moral standards that you feel are important in your life.
Once these things are identified it becomes much easier to KNOW who you are and the type of life you wish to lead, as well as how someone will fit into your life.
These tasks can be more appropriate for a romantic relationship and friendships tend to occur quite naturally, and with less pressure; however it if you are attracting toxic people with poor life habits who hold you back it may be worth identifying your desires for all forms of relationships.

2. Forms of "breaking up" or emotional detachment

These are fairly straight forward but can sometimes be forgotten. When I speak of breaking up with someone, it does not necessarily mean completely eradicating that person from your life, although that may be necessary, there are different ways to remove yourself from a relationship that no longer serves you.

* Distancing yourself emotionallyS.
Some relationships are in your life whether you want them to be or not. Sometimes we can't remove a relationship from our lives so we need to learn to step back and create an acquaintance type relationship. This is about putting your needs for protection from pain, hurt or mistreatment above their needs and distancing yourself emotionally enough to be able to co-exist and still feel safe.

* Complete break upThis can apply to a friendship, relationship or any relationship you don't feel is serving you This is when you make the decision to completely leave the relationship with no physical, emotional or mental communication with that person.
Breaking up with someone completely is necessary when you feel that the relationship is either unhealthy or toxic for you. If you feel that you cannot express yourself, feel fearful or feel as though you cannot evolve or grow with that person around you.

3. Expressing your NEEDS

Do you feel confidant and comfortable expressing to the other person what you need from them and from the relationship? In saying this, are you open to hearing what they will need or want from you?
If you feel fearful of hurting the other persons feelings or if you fear their reaction, it will not feel like a safe place for you to be exactly who you are or express what it is you desire. This creates a sense of inhibition and holding back while sacrificing what it is you truly want.
Ultimately you are putting the other persons needs above yours. This will almost always end in a resentful and uneven relationship.
People will only ever act, receive and give what they know. If you are dismissing your own needs you will enable the other person to do the same and their awareness of you will be lost.
If you don't feel you can be yourself and voice what you need to the other person, it may be time to reflect and re-evaluate whether the person is giving you what you need to grow in the direction of happiness.

4. Acknowledge and accept who you are

This is the foundation for all of your relationships. Once you learn to love yourself, both good and bad, you will feel more confidant in your ability to trust your decisions and bring to the table all that you are without excuses or justification. When two people come together in any form of relationship, openly accepting themselves and each other, it forms a bond that is unstoppable with endless love and support.
THIS IS ACHIEVABLE however you need to set your own standard and strive for it.


- Identify what you want and need from a relationship. Set your standards
- Is the relationship still serving your purpose
- Ensure you feel safe within your relationship
- Identify which form of detachment is necessary for you to move on and be who you want to be
- Trust yourself in all relationships; if it doesn't make you feel good, happy, supported and open then reassess where and if this person fits into your life

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