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My Journal - The loss of a child

Dear Diary,

To lose a soul that is encapsulated in your body and imprinted forever in your heart is something that cannot be understood nor contemplated. It is a loss that haunts you forever and all you can do is make peace with what the universe needs you to experience, trusting that there is a bigger plan for you and for that little soul.

It is difficult to make sense of why it happens. Perhaps it would not have survived in full form, perhaps the environment it was living in wasn't quite right and it is saving itself earlier than expected. Perhaps it happened to teach you love beyond any other form of love you've ever experienced. The type that wraps you up in a bubble of joy where nothing and no one can burst it. Maybe it just happens because there is no reason. I choose to believe that the plan is greater than our understanding and a mantra I live by is "trust the process". Trust that all will be ok and if it's not ok, the process isn't complete.

To lose a child is beyond description. It rips your heart in many pieces and throws your soul to the ground in a cluster of heartbreak. It hurts like no other pain. And it tears at your mind like nothing will ever again.

Before I had my first child I had a child who came and left. This baby was my greatest surprise and my biggest accomplishment at the time. She was only known for a short while but she will be loved for a lifetime.

I know many women suffer from miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies and stillbirths. It is something that is almost too painful for us to talk about. This is why it is necessary.

The support needed is huge. The love, the encouragement and the empathy is endlessly required. The distant memories never fade and the love stays abundant.

The other day I heard the song I listened to at the time I lost my babe. It still conjures up the exact emotions as when I experienced it. It was raw and it pulls as my insides everytime I hear this song.

I struggled to overcome the guilt, the disappointment and the devastation that came over me at the time. I needed someone to help me and so I sought assistance from a lady I worked with at the time. She was a councillor and a hypnotherapist. I wanted to try hypnotherapy to help me, not to forget, but to accept and move forward knowing the love will never die. It did help, but it also left me scarred in a way I didn't expect. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy where my baby was growing in my fallopian tube. She told me towards the end, "you know that an ectopic pregnancy isn't a real baby, it's not a formed foetus". At the time the only way this helped me was to disconnect from it and convince myself I had accepted.

When I think about this now it makes me angry and sad. I realize that although she was only doing her best, she broke my heart with that comment. She took something from me in that moment and it can never be replaced, never unheard.

I later sought some advice from an amazing mentor in our health journey. A guru in spiritual and health practices. He said to me at the time, "you are now equipped with the emotions and experience to help others. To understand them and to be 100% empathetic to them, this is a gift, as painful as it is now".

I couldn't quite make enough sense of this at the time. Now, I realize just how I am helping others and empathizing with them, I am sharing and increasing support and awareness. I can now understand how the missing piece can never be replace but can be embraced as that special soul who chose me to be her mama. What a gift and what an honour.

I truly believe that our little soul surrounds us daily in the form of good fortune, lessons learned and little secret smiles every now and then in the eyes of my two beautiful children.
Awful things happen every day in many different forms. Things that can't be explained, things that may feel unfair. But these happen to the strongest of people, the people who can turn negatives into positive. It is vital to step back and look at the personal growth that can occur. This experience has made me embrace everyday of being a mother. Such a gift.

I truly hope that this post will help to offer emotional support to those who have experienced a similar situation but have felt silenced.

Loving always

B xx

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